baby dreams

thanks to the fact that everyone i know is pregnant i had another baby dream last night. this time i had a brand new freshly born baby girl with lots of dark hair. she was tiny and perfect and quiet. and i spent time teaching david how to make a bottle (he thought the baby needed a huge bottle, but i showed him how to make 2 ounces instead). then i woke up. and all i wanted to do was go back to sleep. i'm so happy with my life right now. but i still feel like something is missing.

Baby thoughts

Like most people, I have times when I want a baby right then and times when I don't want one for a while. I don't know if I've ever documented this before, but when we first got married all I wanted was a baby. I didn't care about cost, me not working, or anything. All I could see was that baby in my arms. That was almost 4 years ago- and since then my baby hunger has slowly decreased. Year after year that desire fades a little more. Sad, huh? We keep saying, "next year". The funny thing is that if we had stayed in California we'd probably have a house, a kid and maybe even another one on the way...strange to think about.

I have loved babies since I could hold them and I'm pretty sure I was obsessed with my little sister when she was born (who wouldn't be with two little brothers already?) and that was at age 7. I started babysitting when I was 11 (my first job involved me sitting in a chair for a half hour holding my mom's friend's baby while she ran an errand) and pretty much haven't stopped. I look for any opportunity.

On Saturday nights in high school, you wouldn't find me at church dances (I think I only ever went to one). Nope. I'd be at my neighbors house watching her two little kids, playing dinosaurs, brushing their teeth and tucking them in. Then I'd watch their collection of British Romantic Dramas. hahahaha.

I think I was built for it. Babies, I mean. I have wide hips, I can hold a baby forever and not get sick of it. I have more patience for kids than I do for adults or even my dog. I used to want 6 kids. The year we got married it went to 4. Now I think it's at 3. David often says "one". Is this depressing? Sometimes.

Maybe things will change significantly when we actually hold our child in our arms. Maybe I will be that patient loving mother who just wants more and more. Or maybe we will just have 2. Who knows. It's weird to not know.

So- when, you ask?

Maybe next year.

thoughts

my house is a disaster. i plan on doing something about that tonight. i also bought a little wooden acorn at lunch that i'm pretty excited about. i really love fall and all it's crispness.

i also bought some bubble bath which i have been in the need of for a long time. i will enjoy vanilla bubbles tonight.

the good and the bad

good:
been eating healthier. better, but not good enough yet
david has a job
we are going to california in three weeks
thanksgiving is 4 weeks away

bad:
we are still poor
the car is making a jetsons-esque sound
my house is a mess

i need to just get into shape so i feel better about myself. it's getting old feeling down.

tv is the devil. it forces me to do nothing with my life.

we've been editing photos from amy's wedding and i'm so excited about a lot of them.

babies

spending time with my neices always brings about mixed feelings. on the one hand, i love them and think they're hilarious, which makes me want my own children. on the other hand i see how they throw tantrums and it takes forever to get anywhere...so i wonder when i will feel ready to give myself up and focus on my own kids.

little thought

its always good when family/friends make an effort on their side to plan things or get together. it shows they think about you.

waste of money

why, oh why do i do this to myself? over the past three years i've probably spent $800 on jeans that have all failed me. my newest pair are a mere 6 months old but are about to rip on the inner thigh not even on seam. i really don't understand. and i dont know if i could take them back to nordstrom now- i dont have a receipt anymore.

improvements

here's the deal. i need to be more organized and i need some immediate goals.

1 read scriptures every day, no matter what
2 organize entire house. (this probably seems like a lot but it's really not very big at all)
3 get rid of anything you dont use

i can do this, right?

i thought of some more
spend more time on myself

thanks, dr. laura

dr. laura's blog inspires me every time i see a new post from her. this one is about child care. here are my thoughts.
now, i'm sure we all wonder why me, the person who loves babies more than anything in the whole world, doesn't have one. today while reading dr. laura's blog, it reminded me why, again, i am childless.
when i was in kindergarten we'd all line up after class to wait for our parents to come pick us up. we sang this little song about saying goodbye to the teacher and goodbye to the boys and goodbye to the girls. then we said 'goodbye daycare kids'...while they walked off to daycare for the rest of the day. i always felt bad for those kids. i was about to get picked up by my mom who would bring me home so i could play with my brothers.
so, maybe at 5 years old i decided that i wouldn't ever do that to my kids. i'm not saying that daycare is torture. i just think if i'm going to go through the effort to have a child i'm going to wait until i'm sure tha ti'm at the point where i can be there to take care of it.

autumn

i just realized today that summer is over. yesterday it stormed like nothing i've ever seen and boy, was i excited. i loooove rain and thunderstorms. this morning it was very, very cold and i enjoyed it. but i just looked at my barely tan, freckly arm and realized...i didn't even get a chance to get tan this summer and now fall is here. oh well. i'll cover my white arms with coats and my neck with my london scarf.

true love dont love like anybody else

i feel like once i got married, all my self control went out the window. sometimes i think that everything i worked so hard for had come to me, so maybe i didn't need to try for anything anymore. obviously that's wrong.
kari suggested that i get back to my roots by listening to old music. i want to do all of the things i used to. i can't dwell on the past and keep thinking that things were so much better then, because things were simply different and you can't force anything to be a certain way if it's not.
yesterday i had some down time so i decided to check out old messages that were sent between me and my love oh so long ago. we are awesome! if there's something i can be proud of, it's our love. its so crazy to think of how we were and how we are.
he takes care of me even when i'm in a bad mood, he wants me to be happy
and i know we'll be able to tackle anything because we know each other well

oatmeal

decided to bring oatmeal for breakfast to work, ended up being incredibly gummy and sticky. i ate it anyway. (i'm becoming overly pear shaped).
this morning i was told that i was "so cute for saving myself for marriage." anyone else think this is strange?
this weekend we will arrange our apartment, the one we will live in. it's the one that will hold our new dishes, dining chairs and old worn couch. it makes my heart happy.