iron chef

last night i was watching iron chef america, thanksgiving showdown. they had a lot of food items to choose from, and one of them was duck. there were a bunch of dead ducks with feathers still on and their little eyes closed so peaceful in this bowl for the competitors to pick from and cook. for some reason (probably/definitely PMS) every time it showed those ducks i had to close my eyes so i couldn't see their sad little faces and avoid breaking into tears.

thanks, dr. laura

dr. laura's blog inspires me every time i see a new post from her. this one is about child care. here are my thoughts.
now, i'm sure we all wonder why me, the person who loves babies more than anything in the whole world, doesn't have one. today while reading dr. laura's blog, it reminded me why, again, i am childless.
when i was in kindergarten we'd all line up after class to wait for our parents to come pick us up. we sang this little song about saying goodbye to the teacher and goodbye to the boys and goodbye to the girls. then we said 'goodbye daycare kids'...while they walked off to daycare for the rest of the day. i always felt bad for those kids. i was about to get picked up by my mom who would bring me home so i could play with my brothers.
so, maybe at 5 years old i decided that i wouldn't ever do that to my kids. i'm not saying that daycare is torture. i just think if i'm going to go through the effort to have a child i'm going to wait until i'm sure tha ti'm at the point where i can be there to take care of it.

ants

if i lived in the big woods, would i not ever have to talk to a customer again? if i lived off of the land and worked it, raising my own animals and smoking my own meat, growing my own vegetables, could i just depend on myself? i guess going to town to buy fabric for my clothes would be unavoidable. remember before when we felt like this so we quit our jobs and moved to the mountain? we're back at square one. i thought we'd come so far.

a wee bit of a crush

so i have this thing for irish guys. i dont know what it is, i just really really like their accents. today i talked to someone who was irish on the phone and i couldn't get enough! it sounds strange and yes, i know i'm married but hey, i can't help it! besides, david has a thing for goodlooking girls, so i think we're even :)

little house

i seriously want to go far far away
and i want to milk my own cow and sew my own clothes and worry about making dinner for my husband when he gets back from plowing the field

my skirt is swishing on the hardwood floor, hand laid by us. my homemade bread recipe is perfected, the hand churned butter is nice and cool from being in the cellar. my husband comes in smelling of pine from a day of chopping wood. simplicity.

i should have been laura ingalls wilder for halloween. then my dreams could have been slightly more real!

even if it never gets better

we're still in limbo. but the thought of ca is nice...very nice. i really want a dog and we're definitely getting one next time we move.
also, i'm taking a photo class tomorrow. i'm really excited, kind of nervous, but i know it will make me more confident in my skills.

boy's shirts

today i'm wearing a shirt i bought when david and i were dating...its from a thrift store and it's from the little boy's section. it barely fits... when i say barely i mean that it's kind of cutting my chest in half. but i still like it.

me

every single day i struggle with liking myself. i mean, i like myself. but not as much as i could. and it's most likely because i know i'm not being as nice as i should or as caring as i should. therefore, people probably don't like me as much as they could. i think about it. i want to be different. i think about it a lot.

babes

i make the mistake of watching a baby story and bringing home baby every day at lunch. why do i do this to myself?

canon

what do i want for christmas? a new camera. a bigger, better one. and lenses. i want to get better at what i do. because i love it.

little house

i think right now i'd rather be on the prairie. i'd rather be doing dishes or sewing a dress or dipping my feet in a cool creek. i was born in the wrong time.
i could bake bread all day and feed my husband lunch when he takes a break from plowing the fields.

rolls

the good news is after only two attempts ive made really really good rolls with mom's recipe. I thought it would take me forever to learn but i took my time last night and made sure everything looked right before baking. david says they're just as good as hers :)

falling into winter

i just saw on the weather report a chance of snow this weekend. it's october 7th! this place is insane. now i'm worrying about what i need to keep myself warm.

i'll probably need some dress socks since all we have are white ones. i have boots and my clarks. i have a scarf. a have some jackets and coats. maybe i'll need some long sleeve shirts and possibly a longish coat for church. probably tights. do i have mittens? i have hats. hopefully that's all i need.

also. david isn't sure about our next move. we're stressing about school because he has three years left. we moved here because we thought it would be easier for him to finish, but he still hasn't gotten in which means we can't get student loans. would it be easier to just finish his english degree in ca? do i WANT to move back to ca? this has been on my mind for nearly a week and i've never felt so ambivalent about my situation. and my future. i honestly just don't know.

fall

it's here! the summer felt like it went really fast but i dont even care. the feeling of cold nights and cool days makes my heart jump at the thought of the holidays which are on their way here. i wish i had gotten married in the fall...an orange boquet...apple cider...the leaves changing. the air just smells good.
nothing beats the feeling of fall.

back to school

david is going to school again, and i long to be there too! i want to be in school so that i'm working towards finishing it so i can have a job that i love. my job right now is fine, but i want to be doing something that i've learned how to do beforehand.
i want to edit, i want to research, i want to...maybe teach.

autumn

i just realized today that summer is over. yesterday it stormed like nothing i've ever seen and boy, was i excited. i loooove rain and thunderstorms. this morning it was very, very cold and i enjoyed it. but i just looked at my barely tan, freckly arm and realized...i didn't even get a chance to get tan this summer and now fall is here. oh well. i'll cover my white arms with coats and my neck with my london scarf.

baby love

being at this job makes me want to finish school so badly. or have a baby. jkjk a baby doesn't solve anything. half of the time i feel like it would complete me...having a baby, that is. and the other half of the time i'm scared out of my mind or annoyed at the thought of a crying baby.
i'm 22 years old i have the rest of my life to have children. except that after age 35 the risks double for chromosome issues and whatnot so that never sounds too exciting.

true love dont love like anybody else

i feel like once i got married, all my self control went out the window. sometimes i think that everything i worked so hard for had come to me, so maybe i didn't need to try for anything anymore. obviously that's wrong.
kari suggested that i get back to my roots by listening to old music. i want to do all of the things i used to. i can't dwell on the past and keep thinking that things were so much better then, because things were simply different and you can't force anything to be a certain way if it's not.
yesterday i had some down time so i decided to check out old messages that were sent between me and my love oh so long ago. we are awesome! if there's something i can be proud of, it's our love. its so crazy to think of how we were and how we are.
he takes care of me even when i'm in a bad mood, he wants me to be happy
and i know we'll be able to tackle anything because we know each other well

notebook revisited

Love is REAL and LOVELY and just as good as in the notebook. I have it, and so do they in real life.

virtuous

"TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
"SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
"RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
"FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
"INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
"SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
"JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
"MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
"CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
"TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
"CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
"HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."