home

i am SO happy to be home. i missed my bed and a quiet house and my own shower.

handmade

i really would like to have my own little etsy shop but i dont know what i could possibly make/sell on there. i can kind of crochet. i can kind of sew. what could i sell?

the old me

my hair is finally starting to get long. i'm excited for days when i'll have it flowing again...
i'm still not what i want to be. still discovering myself. looking at old pictures of me helps

crush

i have a crush on vince vaughn...he's a normal guy. am i weird?

light

i think i need to live in california so that i'll always have enough natural light in my home to take pictures of things

goals

goals for the next two months:
make an amazing gingerbread house, entirely from scratch
go to hawaii or some place awesome

first there is a mountain

having my family here was great but also stressful. i'm so used to it being just the two of us now.
remember when i used to write about how great it would be when we were married? now all i want to write about is how great it will be when we have a baby. i wonder if someday i'll be writing about how great it will be when our kids are grown up and gone, so we're alone again?

iron chef

last night i was watching iron chef america, thanksgiving showdown. they had a lot of food items to choose from, and one of them was duck. there were a bunch of dead ducks with feathers still on and their little eyes closed so peaceful in this bowl for the competitors to pick from and cook. for some reason (probably/definitely PMS) every time it showed those ducks i had to close my eyes so i couldn't see their sad little faces and avoid breaking into tears.

thanks, dr. laura

dr. laura's blog inspires me every time i see a new post from her. this one is about child care. here are my thoughts.
now, i'm sure we all wonder why me, the person who loves babies more than anything in the whole world, doesn't have one. today while reading dr. laura's blog, it reminded me why, again, i am childless.
when i was in kindergarten we'd all line up after class to wait for our parents to come pick us up. we sang this little song about saying goodbye to the teacher and goodbye to the boys and goodbye to the girls. then we said 'goodbye daycare kids'...while they walked off to daycare for the rest of the day. i always felt bad for those kids. i was about to get picked up by my mom who would bring me home so i could play with my brothers.
so, maybe at 5 years old i decided that i wouldn't ever do that to my kids. i'm not saying that daycare is torture. i just think if i'm going to go through the effort to have a child i'm going to wait until i'm sure tha ti'm at the point where i can be there to take care of it.

ants

if i lived in the big woods, would i not ever have to talk to a customer again? if i lived off of the land and worked it, raising my own animals and smoking my own meat, growing my own vegetables, could i just depend on myself? i guess going to town to buy fabric for my clothes would be unavoidable. remember before when we felt like this so we quit our jobs and moved to the mountain? we're back at square one. i thought we'd come so far.

a wee bit of a crush

so i have this thing for irish guys. i dont know what it is, i just really really like their accents. today i talked to someone who was irish on the phone and i couldn't get enough! it sounds strange and yes, i know i'm married but hey, i can't help it! besides, david has a thing for goodlooking girls, so i think we're even :)

little house

i seriously want to go far far away
and i want to milk my own cow and sew my own clothes and worry about making dinner for my husband when he gets back from plowing the field

my skirt is swishing on the hardwood floor, hand laid by us. my homemade bread recipe is perfected, the hand churned butter is nice and cool from being in the cellar. my husband comes in smelling of pine from a day of chopping wood. simplicity.

i should have been laura ingalls wilder for halloween. then my dreams could have been slightly more real!

even if it never gets better

we're still in limbo. but the thought of ca is nice...very nice. i really want a dog and we're definitely getting one next time we move.
also, i'm taking a photo class tomorrow. i'm really excited, kind of nervous, but i know it will make me more confident in my skills.

boy's shirts

today i'm wearing a shirt i bought when david and i were dating...its from a thrift store and it's from the little boy's section. it barely fits... when i say barely i mean that it's kind of cutting my chest in half. but i still like it.

me

every single day i struggle with liking myself. i mean, i like myself. but not as much as i could. and it's most likely because i know i'm not being as nice as i should or as caring as i should. therefore, people probably don't like me as much as they could. i think about it. i want to be different. i think about it a lot.

babes

i make the mistake of watching a baby story and bringing home baby every day at lunch. why do i do this to myself?

canon

what do i want for christmas? a new camera. a bigger, better one. and lenses. i want to get better at what i do. because i love it.

little house

i think right now i'd rather be on the prairie. i'd rather be doing dishes or sewing a dress or dipping my feet in a cool creek. i was born in the wrong time.
i could bake bread all day and feed my husband lunch when he takes a break from plowing the fields.

rolls

the good news is after only two attempts ive made really really good rolls with mom's recipe. I thought it would take me forever to learn but i took my time last night and made sure everything looked right before baking. david says they're just as good as hers :)

falling into winter

i just saw on the weather report a chance of snow this weekend. it's october 7th! this place is insane. now i'm worrying about what i need to keep myself warm.

i'll probably need some dress socks since all we have are white ones. i have boots and my clarks. i have a scarf. a have some jackets and coats. maybe i'll need some long sleeve shirts and possibly a longish coat for church. probably tights. do i have mittens? i have hats. hopefully that's all i need.

also. david isn't sure about our next move. we're stressing about school because he has three years left. we moved here because we thought it would be easier for him to finish, but he still hasn't gotten in which means we can't get student loans. would it be easier to just finish his english degree in ca? do i WANT to move back to ca? this has been on my mind for nearly a week and i've never felt so ambivalent about my situation. and my future. i honestly just don't know.