i just decided that photography is not something i want to pursue as a career. i just want to...i dont know


i am SO happy to be home. i missed my bed and a quiet house and my own shower.


i really would like to have my own little etsy shop but i dont know what i could possibly make/sell on there. i can kind of crochet. i can kind of sew. what could i sell?

the old me

my hair is finally starting to get long. i'm excited for days when i'll have it flowing again...
i'm still not what i want to be. still discovering myself. looking at old pictures of me helps


i have a crush on vince vaughn...he's a normal guy. am i weird?


i think i need to live in california so that i'll always have enough natural light in my home to take pictures of things


goals for the next two months:
make an amazing gingerbread house, entirely from scratch
go to hawaii or some place awesome

first there is a mountain

having my family here was great but also stressful. i'm so used to it being just the two of us now.
remember when i used to write about how great it would be when we were married? now all i want to write about is how great it will be when we have a baby. i wonder if someday i'll be writing about how great it will be when our kids are grown up and gone, so we're alone again?

iron chef

last night i was watching iron chef america, thanksgiving showdown. they had a lot of food items to choose from, and one of them was duck. there were a bunch of dead ducks with feathers still on and their little eyes closed so peaceful in this bowl for the competitors to pick from and cook. for some reason (probably/definitely PMS) every time it showed those ducks i had to close my eyes so i couldn't see their sad little faces and avoid breaking into tears.

thanks, dr. laura

dr. laura's blog inspires me every time i see a new post from her. this one is about child care. here are my thoughts.
now, i'm sure we all wonder why me, the person who loves babies more than anything in the whole world, doesn't have one. today while reading dr. laura's blog, it reminded me why, again, i am childless.
when i was in kindergarten we'd all line up after class to wait for our parents to come pick us up. we sang this little song about saying goodbye to the teacher and goodbye to the boys and goodbye to the girls. then we said 'goodbye daycare kids'...while they walked off to daycare for the rest of the day. i always felt bad for those kids. i was about to get picked up by my mom who would bring me home so i could play with my brothers.
so, maybe at 5 years old i decided that i wouldn't ever do that to my kids. i'm not saying that daycare is torture. i just think if i'm going to go through the effort to have a child i'm going to wait until i'm sure tha ti'm at the point where i can be there to take care of it.


if i lived in the big woods, would i not ever have to talk to a customer again? if i lived off of the land and worked it, raising my own animals and smoking my own meat, growing my own vegetables, could i just depend on myself? i guess going to town to buy fabric for my clothes would be unavoidable. remember before when we felt like this so we quit our jobs and moved to the mountain? we're back at square one. i thought we'd come so far.

a wee bit of a crush

so i have this thing for irish guys. i dont know what it is, i just really really like their accents. today i talked to someone who was irish on the phone and i couldn't get enough! it sounds strange and yes, i know i'm married but hey, i can't help it! besides, david has a thing for goodlooking girls, so i think we're even :)

little house

i seriously want to go far far away
and i want to milk my own cow and sew my own clothes and worry about making dinner for my husband when he gets back from plowing the field

my skirt is swishing on the hardwood floor, hand laid by us. my homemade bread recipe is perfected, the hand churned butter is nice and cool from being in the cellar. my husband comes in smelling of pine from a day of chopping wood. simplicity.

i should have been laura ingalls wilder for halloween. then my dreams could have been slightly more real!

even if it never gets better

we're still in limbo. but the thought of ca is nice...very nice. i really want a dog and we're definitely getting one next time we move.
also, i'm taking a photo class tomorrow. i'm really excited, kind of nervous, but i know it will make me more confident in my skills.

boy's shirts

today i'm wearing a shirt i bought when david and i were dating...its from a thrift store and it's from the little boy's section. it barely fits... when i say barely i mean that it's kind of cutting my chest in half. but i still like it.


every single day i struggle with liking myself. i mean, i like myself. but not as much as i could. and it's most likely because i know i'm not being as nice as i should or as caring as i should. therefore, people probably don't like me as much as they could. i think about it. i want to be different. i think about it a lot.


i make the mistake of watching a baby story and bringing home baby every day at lunch. why do i do this to myself?


what do i want for christmas? a new camera. a bigger, better one. and lenses. i want to get better at what i do. because i love it.

little house

i think right now i'd rather be on the prairie. i'd rather be doing dishes or sewing a dress or dipping my feet in a cool creek. i was born in the wrong time.
i could bake bread all day and feed my husband lunch when he takes a break from plowing the fields.


the good news is after only two attempts ive made really really good rolls with mom's recipe. I thought it would take me forever to learn but i took my time last night and made sure everything looked right before baking. david says they're just as good as hers :)

falling into winter

i just saw on the weather report a chance of snow this weekend. it's october 7th! this place is insane. now i'm worrying about what i need to keep myself warm.

i'll probably need some dress socks since all we have are white ones. i have boots and my clarks. i have a scarf. a have some jackets and coats. maybe i'll need some long sleeve shirts and possibly a longish coat for church. probably tights. do i have mittens? i have hats. hopefully that's all i need.

also. david isn't sure about our next move. we're stressing about school because he has three years left. we moved here because we thought it would be easier for him to finish, but he still hasn't gotten in which means we can't get student loans. would it be easier to just finish his english degree in ca? do i WANT to move back to ca? this has been on my mind for nearly a week and i've never felt so ambivalent about my situation. and my future. i honestly just don't know.


it's here! the summer felt like it went really fast but i dont even care. the feeling of cold nights and cool days makes my heart jump at the thought of the holidays which are on their way here. i wish i had gotten married in the orange cider...the leaves changing. the air just smells good.
nothing beats the feeling of fall.

back to school

david is going to school again, and i long to be there too! i want to be in school so that i'm working towards finishing it so i can have a job that i love. my job right now is fine, but i want to be doing something that i've learned how to do beforehand.
i want to edit, i want to research, i want to...maybe teach.


i just realized today that summer is over. yesterday it stormed like nothing i've ever seen and boy, was i excited. i loooove rain and thunderstorms. this morning it was very, very cold and i enjoyed it. but i just looked at my barely tan, freckly arm and realized...i didn't even get a chance to get tan this summer and now fall is here. oh well. i'll cover my white arms with coats and my neck with my london scarf.

baby love

being at this job makes me want to finish school so badly. or have a baby. jkjk a baby doesn't solve anything. half of the time i feel like it would complete me...having a baby, that is. and the other half of the time i'm scared out of my mind or annoyed at the thought of a crying baby.
i'm 22 years old i have the rest of my life to have children. except that after age 35 the risks double for chromosome issues and whatnot so that never sounds too exciting.

true love dont love like anybody else

i feel like once i got married, all my self control went out the window. sometimes i think that everything i worked so hard for had come to me, so maybe i didn't need to try for anything anymore. obviously that's wrong.
kari suggested that i get back to my roots by listening to old music. i want to do all of the things i used to. i can't dwell on the past and keep thinking that things were so much better then, because things were simply different and you can't force anything to be a certain way if it's not.
yesterday i had some down time so i decided to check out old messages that were sent between me and my love oh so long ago. we are awesome! if there's something i can be proud of, it's our love. its so crazy to think of how we were and how we are.
he takes care of me even when i'm in a bad mood, he wants me to be happy
and i know we'll be able to tackle anything because we know each other well

notebook revisited

Love is REAL and LOVELY and just as good as in the notebook. I have it, and so do they in real life.


"TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
"SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
"RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
"FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
"INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
"SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
"JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
"MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
"CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
"TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
"CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
"HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."


maybe i feel like i need to stop dreaming now that the things i dreamt about have come to pass.

last night it stormed and we sat on the porch and enjoyed it. i still need to find myself and i'm working on it but shouldn't it come more easily? i got way off track so now i'm trying to get back on.

ugh, why can't i dream anymore?

beehive state

david:"did you like garden state?"

me:"yeah. it's one of your favorites, right?"

"well, it's not as relevant to my life anymore."

"it WAS relevant at some point, though, right?"

"well, not the drug stuff. but the 'finding yourself' part was."

"and it's not anymore?"

"well, i found you."

in all life could be a movie.


the last three summers of my life have been spent on a beautiful lake in the mountains that i could visit at least once a week. now that i'm far away i feel like i never took true advantage of the scenery or the sunshine. there are lakes here, true, but we have no boat, no dock, no pine trees! lake arrowhead and i have had our struggles, but one of them was definitely never with the lake or its surroundings.


I'm going to do 101 goals in 1001 days. I'm just going to make it a giant post and add to it for the next few days until it's full.
Also, As of now I only have 67 goals so I'll add more as they come to mind. I need to configure the end date.

Educated Me:
[Take a photography class]
Take another photo class
Always be working on a leisure book
Look up words I don't know and keep a list
taken/taking a semester toward graduating (english, linguistics, nutriton or photo)
take a cooking class...williams sonoma maybe?
Mommy Me:
Make my baby shower gifts
Make at least 1 quilt
Creative Me:
[Sew pillows for living room]
Sew pillows for bedroom
Fill 2 scrapbooks
Cook one new meal a month
[Learn how to make bread like mom]
Learn 3 songs on the guitar
Write in my journal/blog once a week
Send christmas cards
Make 1 present/year for david
[Re-upholster our headboard]
[make a shadow box for david's army things]
make a shadow box for david's mission things
make up 5 original recipes
[decorate] & frame my willow poem
design a baby's room
[learn how to crochet]
learn how to knit
master a strawberry tart
learn how to make sushi
learn how to make 3 french entrees

Frugal/Environmental Me:
Plant an herb garden
Add to my food storage
get a trashcan for recycling
create and keep a budget
[move to a house with cheaper rent]
learn how to use coupons

Clean Me:
Do dishes every week night for at least two weeks
Vacuum under furniture (bed, couch, tv) every 6 months

Spiritual Me:
Read the book of mormon
Read the new testament
Read doctrine and covenants
Bear my testimony in sacrament meeting
Visit the temple once a month
visit [provo], salt lake, mount timp and manti temples
Find my patriarchal blessing and read it every sunday
read scriptures every night

Healthy Me:
Lose at least five pounds and keep it off
[Get a new tire for my bike]
Start including more organic products in our diet until we're 75% organic
Be able to run 2 miles without stopping or dying
Get floss helpers and floss regularly
Spend saturdays outside during summer months
eat healthier
Adventurous Me:
Go camping at least 3 times .2.
[buy another sleeping bag]
[go to the hogle zoo]
[visit the salt flats]
learn how to ride the scooter
hike to the Y
catch a fish
tube down the canyon
go to the aquarium
go to yellowstone
[visit mount rushmore]

Pretty Me:
grow out my hair....don't chop it off again
Use an entire box of crest whitestrips
Wear my retainer once a week...for at least 2 months
get a facial every six months
[buy a really expensive coat]
Organized Me:
Put all photos on the computer & discs
Create a filing system for bills, documents, etc.
go through old clothes, books, etc.
[buy & set up a desk]
Sophisticated Me:
Visit another country (canada, central america)
Visit Colorado
[visit Wyoming]
[visit Idaho]
[visit south dakota]
visit Hawaii
mexico trip
Add to my photography portfolio
spend an entire day exploring salt lake



can i just say that i am probably healthier than i've ever been. gym trips are not as dreaded as they seemed they'd be. plus, this achy-ness is reassuring.


we have the most comfortable bed i've ever slept in. it's absolutely amazing. this morning the last thing my body wanted to do was get out of it.
today we're doing a little photoshoot of the avarells. it'll be good practice for the wedding that's coming up. maybe this will spark more creativity in us.


david came and visited me (and curtis) at work.
i'm making plans for this weekend:

finish sewing curtains and/or pillows.
find passport
buy washer/dryer

i like to make lists, i always have. i made one over the last week of things i love so here it is:
peach lemonade
waking up on my own
black and white photos
having a flat stomach
video chatting
completely unpacking a box
finding a dress that's long enough
taking a bath
piles of folded, clean laundry
when a band sounds better live
being pregnant on sims
knowing i don't need to have my phone with me to feel comfortable
coming home to a clean house
flower shops
having a job that i enjoy
knowing where i'll be every sunday for the rest of my life
having a gym pass
reading emma for the 10th time
thinking about my wedding day
daydreaming and pretending i'm laura ingalls wilder
thinking about the things i'll teach my kids
seven brides for seven brothers
taking hours to make dinner
you have bewitched me, body and soul
re-reading this blog and realizing that i am clever and i do like myself. i just need to always be that way.


i haven't written in this blog in a long time and i don't know if anyone even reads it anymore but suddenly i'm inclined to start up again. what kind of sparked my thoughts, besides actually being employed in a normal job again, was going through david's mission and junk boxes. we looked at mission pictures for a while and he continued to go through the rest of the boxes after i'd gone to bed. this morning in the trash pile i found a pink piece of paper folded into an envelope saying "thanks for the best week ever." inside was a pile of pictures of david and a girl he dated while he was at byu hawaii. he had flown her out there for a week during the semester.
ok, so i'd seen plenty of pictures of them together and of him with other girls but for some reason this time it was different. don't think that i was upset or anything for him still having these pictures- i don't expect him to get rid of anything from his past if he doesn't want to. but something happened as i went through them. i think i was jealous! jealous of how happy he looked and wondering if i make him that happy? and the weird thing is that i've always prided us in our lack of jealousy in our relationship.

so anyway, i'm not upset or bugged by this, i was just surprised how it affected me. and i'm glad about it anyway because it is like a reminder that things should always be good and the bad is fleeting. that we can get through anything (we already pretty much have) and we can enjoy and love eachother in all circumstances. i need to be more positive.
-i LOVE that my husband went on a mission, got hurt, came home and went back out 14 months later. that is him. he's amazing.
-i LOVE that he's ALWAYS in a good mood.
-i LOVE that he is willing to have fun in any situation.
most of all i love that he married me and he believes in me and never gives up on me even when i'm frustrating.

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