the stars at night are big and bright

deep in the heart of texas!

i love christmas and i loveD christmas. i got mucho de cosas:
*a bike
*gift card for glen ivy
*basket and bell for my bike
*gift card for nordstrom
*beatles book
*domino set from morocco
and a ton of other things too. my parents went crazy.

davey spent chrismas eve with us and spent the night. on sunday we went to church in the new building. then we opened presents and me and david headed up the mountain. it was a ton of fun, because everyone was there. i love fenn. i miss blake and i especially missed him when we went through pictures from hawaii. his little curly head. decisions were made this long weekend that i am quite happy with. yeah, life is good.

Pot of gold.

My sweet, my dear, my darling, you're so far away from me.
Though an ocean of tears divides us,
Let the bridge of our love span the sea.

And when the veil of dreams has lifted,
And the fairy tales have all been told,
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow;
More precious than a pot of gold.

three days til christmas...our first one together.

SP speaks from my soul, bones, heart

Please, let me be casual and gay and right with him now. I am YOUNG, naive, childish, sixteen emotionally. My reactions are too obvious, too excitable easily. I will be lovely, vivacious, witty, the very best me that I always want to be with you.
[I] want a brilliant mind that I can stimulate, but that I can also honestly look up to. And this one has it. Mentally he satisfies; physically he satisfies. It is rather blissful to share witty talk with a man who is also three-dimensionally satisfactory as this one is. power: he offers that. I am strong, in spite of being childish and weak now and then. I need a strong mate: I do not want to accidentally crush him like a steamroller (as I would have others, certainly). And while comradely, I must admire him: respect and admiration must equate with the object of my love. And with him there would be a great, evolving, intellectual dignity to life. I am sure of it. I can walk tall and proud beside him in my body and in my mind. How will it work out? I don't know.

the real notebook

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so, what's so great about this picture? oh, maybe it's the fact that the greatest romance ever portrayed on screen is probably seems like love is better than ever.

i regret to inform you

i'll be the platform shoes
undo what heredity's done to you
you won't have to strain to look into my eyes

no, the ring on my RIGHT finger is not an engagement ring.
so, i figured out what's wrong with me...i can't be alone. i am NEVER alone. i always have plans, and things to fulfill time in between the plans. but when plans are changed, my mind jerks and i freak because there's now this space of five hours with nothing to fill it. that's when my emotions go crazy and i say things i don't mean, and nyquil somehow finds it's way into my belly.
i can't go from always having something to do with you to times where there is useless blanks so easily. i've been honed into how i am for the past 9 takes more than 1 to get back to how i was.
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oooh, that's right
let's take a breath jump over the side.

all i really really really want is to have this again.
...race to the dock, watch blake's face as he takes the boat out for the first time that year, hold hands with ashley as we jump in the freezing lake, lay out with nathan, snuggle with davey, float with rach. then we go home and have a barbeque, watch movies and enjoy each other's company.
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i have struggled in vain, it will not do!

only three weeks of school left. and i'm glad. i missed class last night because i really didn't feel well. my body was all tired and my head was all fuzzy. i went home, but for some reason didn't feel comfortable there. i'm pretty much never there at night because of school or going out. my parents weren't home, and it was loud, so i just left. my house feels like a house and not a home, and i really really hate it. i guess it's my fault.
this weekend was long but still went quickly. we did a lot. went shopping, ate rosies, had thanksgiving, went to farewells, dealt with engagements and bridal showers and deadly cramps. we listened to blake's tape he made, and it was so weird. it was a total trip to listen to his voice and hear him speak portuguese. i'm so proud of him, but i miss him sooo much. last night i had a dream about him. he was home for the holidays! and for some reason it was just me and him hanging out. we went to see coldplay play, and there was barely anyone there. we went to a pet shop and everywhere we went we were holding hands. i think i liked him! ahh. at one point i was putting on chapstick and all in his face, waiting for him to kiss me. sorry david and ashley! i had no control. but he didnt kiss me. luckily.
tonight i see pride and prejudice! i'm reading two sequels to it right now... i love it.

rock n roll fantasy

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exactly what i want.

there was heat from the fire, but we still froze

ugh, i think i just posted a blank blog. whatev. so i'm totally not doing as well in school as i thought i was. and i barely even miss class! this is such a joke. i guess i better start studying. i wish i gained knowledge by reading good books instead of listening to a lame instructor and taking tests.

only three days of work and school this week! and thanksgiving, yummmm. it'll be nice to have a long weekend to do fun things. last saturday me and davey went up the mountain and had a pre-thanksgiving with his family. it was delicious and super fun. then we went and visited dresden because she was home for the weekend. brett came over and we watched the skeleton key. it wasnt too scary, but i still got creeped out. it was freeeeezing up there. i love the mountains so much. i could totally live there. p.s. i still miss blake. but i got a letter from him! yay. and ashley got a tape that we still need to listen to.

today i saw a little blond boy coming out of target with his parents and he had on shorts and a t-shirt, and rubber rain boots. he reminded me of my future child.

there was heat from the fire, but we still froze

the aussies

"i came half-way around the world for a bloomin' onion!"

i want to live where soul meets body

pretty good weekend. things are good. spent afternoon playing with lola and eating in n out. now i'm bored at work, as usual. but i am happy.

step into my office, baby.

if there was ever an album that sounded like what i feel like, or what i want my life to feel like, it would be the arcade fire. everytime i listen to it, i feel like i'm transported back to another decade, one where i should be living...with flowery dresses, boots, super long hair, orange-yellow furniture, and babies in cloth diapers.


i just randomly got major hiccups right now. i'm so hungry. i'm gonna eat soft tacos and french fries for dinner, then go to school early so i can put in hours in the lab, and then sit for two hours and read from a play. its the misanthrope by moliere. i like it, actually. so today i had to go to the orthodontist to get my retainer fixed so it would keep moving my teeth, and dr. ericson says: "you know, i dont think that this retainer is gonna move them enough. let's put brackets on." so two hours later i left, (i had also visited the dentist office nextdoor, and waited for an hour) with braces! well, kind of. only six brackets on my bottom teeth. and i didnt have cavities either. i thought i had one, thats why i went in the first place. can you get a cavity in a filling? i dont know. i went home, dealt with family drama, and then a bracket popped off my lower 3. so i had to go all the way back and have them put it back on.
i'm back into my reading kicks. i always like to read, but everyone once and a while, i'll go through two months of non-stop reading during all my leisure time. its very wonderful.
charlie and the chocolate factory came out today. and i'm going to bed early because i didnt sleep well and woke up at 6:30. blah.

p.s. i'm still in love.


i want it to be christmas so badly. yesterday me and ashmiester listened to christmas music on our drive to and from home. i can't wait to go to the snow, and start shopping for christmas presents. i love christmas and the whole holiday season. its a breath of fresh air and love and happiness.
mom says i better start my list soon.

here's the beginnings:
(real list)

little house on the prarie books
the white album
1928 jewelry from department stores
gift certificates to wherever

the endings:
(unrealistic list)
my bike!

afternoon delight.

i just realized i've been working at my job for over a year and i feel like i've been working here for a month. no one knows me or cares about me here. yesterday i came to work and my desk (which i was informed that i must sit at now, because if i sit at the desk with the computer, it looks like i'm not doing anything...which i'm not because there's nothing to do) was just sitting out in the hallway outside our office. my few things were strewn across another empty desk. no one said a word. the only recognition i get from them is a glance at my left hand once a week only for them to discover that it is ringless. they just discovered a week ago that i'm dating someone, and have been for nearly 8 months.

she just said she's polish

halloween was a total bust. i did nothing. my family hosts a little garage party for our street every year and all the families come with their two or three children and we eat and then the parents take the kids trick or treating. oh, i miss those days. i had to go to class on monday night and analyze a poem. seven kids came to class and i was one of them.
yeseterday my friend priscella asked me if i was in love with david. it felt so good to look up from under my overgrown bangs and say, "yes. yes i am." things aren't perfect, but they will be.


we keep saying we're going to rest each weekend, and only please ourselves by lying around and relaxing after a weeklong of work and school. but we never do. davey and i went to the orange circle to check out all the cool old stuff in the shops. we went to my favorite shop, country roads, and walked around for a long time. it's a huge store. i love almost everything in it. i found tons of furniture that i wish i could have, and a jadeite bowl that was beautiful. its crazy how old stuff costs so much...the bowl was $40. oh well. in a shop we found cool jewelry and i found one, very expensive piece that i absolutely loved.
i'm supposed to be in class right now but instead i am alone in the boys' apartment. why? because i can, i guess. i'm going to work on my rough draft for my english class that i'm supposed to have turned in by now. then i'll read as much as i can handle from my anthropology book. i like that class, there's just a lot of boring reading. right now we're learning about sex and marriage and its quite interesting. my professor told us about some guy, i cant remember his name right now, but he grew up in renaissance times i guess and he was a lover of the arts. on his wedding night he was horrified to find that women were not as hairless as portrayed in the paintings that he so adored. therefore, he and his wife never...well, you know. isnt that crazy? i think its so interesting. we also learned about how humans are unique in that it isn't apparent when women are ovulating, compared to animals in heat where you can easily tell. it means we have evolutionary power and more control over procreation and such. and i learned that men's sweat is stimulating to women...and if you are near that man all the time then it can cause more frequent ovulation.

did you know that polygamy is the most universally ideal form of marriage? now you do.


it's funny that i can't get anything (including homework, housework, work-work) done if david is around. it just seems like such a waste to be doing other things when he's over or i'm over there. yet somehow last night we were able to re-write my philosophy paper. it felt good.
me and davey and keithy and natey went in the sacuzzi at the apartment. it felt nice. i like this life.
kitty was gone for two days. a lot of times she leaves during the day and comes home at night and sleeps with me, but last night she didn't come home and i was sad. but this morning i heard meowing outside my bedroom door and there she was! her little raccooned face looked up at me. that little devil.
i almost died in class today, it is so ridiculously boring. rene descartes is nothing special. then i came home and ate and now i'm at work doing nothing as usual. but i'm leaving soon and going to the store to pick up important things like breadcrumbs and such to make dinner.

rosemary crusted chicken
baked potatoes
french bread
a gorgeous salad.

the end.


the best surprise of my life arrived in a skinny cardboard box yesterday. i got to sign for it and everything. a bunch of iris, and they weren't even all opened yet! nobody's ever given me flowers besides my parents before. it made my day a million times better.
then he came home in his work clothes, and i had dinner ready and we ate. we did some shopping, did some homework, and chilled. but going home doesn't quite fit into our lifestyle...yet it happens every night, regardless of how much i want to slide down his legs and hold his ankle until i'm allowed to leave with him. but i wouldn't allow myself to. not yet.

wouldn't you agree?
baby, you and me
got a groovy kind of love.

and i can do the frug.

what a weekend. it feels like it was everlong... saturday was so busy but super fun. plus it totally started raining! i love rain. yesterday morning i woke up and layed in bed for a half hour staring out the window at the drops hitting the unfinished roof outside my room.
i finally got to disneyland last night- it's been put off a bunch in the past few weeks. only a 10 minute wait for space mountain. plus cordogs and ice cream. delish. then i made david find pig josh on the xbox and we ate a little hamburger helper which was soon followed by a gun fight where keith screamed like a little girl. my ride home was pleasant, the shins came with me.
and today all i have is one class because i dont have to go to english tonight. but i do have to write my philosophy paper tonight. i'm so scared. she said that when we're writing it that we should call her and tell her what we've got. who calls their teacher?? i'm not going to call her, she's so weird. i'll just do my best and have david help me. now i must do an assignment for anthropology that i forgot about. i got to class on monday morning and while we were waiting outside for the teacher to come, i heard everyone talking about it and i realized i didn't do it so i turned around and drove home. it's just what i do.

pretty davey

today is october 13, 2005.

today i didn't go to school.

today, i am in love.

pretty boy

today i went to the orthodontist and he filed my teeth. he actually took strips of sandpaper and shoved them down in between my lower teeth and filed them..."slenderized." the whole time i was staring up, mainly at the bright light shinging in my eyes. i started looking at my orthodontist's face. he has the most perfect teeth i've ever seen and i'm actually jealous of them probably because i could achieve them-my teeth are the same size as his, a grown man's. he has sandy blonde hair and eyelashes that are ridiculously long. then i realized what i was thinking about him. he's pretty! he's the prettiest man i've ever seen. then the pretty man shoved my super tight retainer back into my mouth.

bob loblaw

in philosophy class my teacher is constantly asking questions and not answering them, because they are philosophical questions that are open to eternal interpretation. i, of course, know all of the answers which means i am thinking religiously for three makes up for not being able to go to institute.
we're reading the phaedo. plato wrote it about socrates, but it didn't really happen and in it, socrates is dead but other characters are telling their friends about what went on while he was chained up in prison before he was poisoned as the punishment for corrupting the youth. the entire dialogue, socrates is explaining to his colleagues why it is noble for a philosopher to die...that death is what they seek ultimately because what they are truly searching for is truth, knowledge, understanding. this can only take place out of the material world and without senses, which means that it can only come after a separation of mind and body which only happens at death. but his friends want to know, will socrates live on once he is dead? well, of course! because knowledge and truth and understanding come from learning, and education. and education does not come from the outside in, but the inside out. this means that it was in us all along, but was promted out by recollection. but recollection only comes by something triggering what we knew before our minds and bodies came together. which means that there was some kind of existence before our physical bodies joined with our minds. this means that if there was a pre-body mind, there must be a post-body mind. hoorah!!

219 days

last week i wasn't hungry at all. this week i've had this dazed, glazy view of life.

good today:
got out of class an hour early again
relaxed with mom and remy

bad today:
loud noises coming from top floor of work
realized how badly i need a hair cut/color


have decided to not indulge in french manicures again as they chip almost immediately...
class was cancelled yesterday morning and i got out an hour early today because of my morals. sacrificing really does pay of, not that i didn't know that i already. i wish it was approximately 220 days from now.
i just realized that once you have children, that's it. this means i have five or six years to run.

i wish the world was flat like the old days

ah, i hate monday. it is the worst day of the week, the beginning of it all. this weekend was pleasant however which makes the transition from weekend to workness not so bad. general conference is so relaxing. david and i took a trip up to the mountains where it wasn't quite as cold as i would have liked it to be. when we went home we made a list of who to invite to what will be our totally hip halloween party, wahoo. the boys get to move in to their new apartment in a little over a week.
saturday was long and boring but worth it. i helped mom cater at a family reunion and she gave me $100 even though i owe her money for the dreaded phone bill. i would have done it for nothing. saturday night i set out to spend my money...we went to victoria garden and urban outfitters was calling my name. i bought a dress and a shirt and the money was gone! ugh. what i truly wished to purchase, however, was everything from the home decor section. sooooo cool. someday it will be mine.
i had another dream about blake last night. david and i went to visit him on his mission but we didn't go to brazil. we went to this vintage furniture store and he was there. i wanted to hug him so badly but i knew i couldn't. i figure that his appearance in my dreams is a result of me saying "i miss blake" every day of my life.

filtered water and pictures of you

almost every night this week blake has been in my dreams. one night, me and him and david went skiing in the mountains and then hung out at the mtc which bore a great resemblance to the church nursery. all we did was goof around but it felt right and it was so nice to hear his voice. i think that's what i miss most- his blakey voice. it was so real, more real than in any dream i've ever had and when i woke up i felt pretty sick. blake is so distant, not just in miles but in communication and actuality. luckily, he's in my thoughts and in my dreams more often than not. gosh, i miss that kid.
mad english professor was in a rarely good mood today and let us out five minutes early after explaining why there would be no survivors if a plane dropped from 35,000 ft (i can't remember the real number so forgive if that one is outrageous) due to pressure, completely omitting the fact that the plane would ultimately end up crashing into the ground anyway, leading to only body parts and no survivors.
i'm so lonely at work with no keith or nate to play monopoly with. only one more class before the weekend, then i'm spending saturday working for mom as she caters a family reunion to earn $100 which i owe her anyway.
tonight is a disneyland night. it's so warm.

so everybody put your best suit or dress on

i feel like i'm14 again after being driven around all day to school and work. three days left until my car registration expires so it had to be smogged so that i can take it to the dmv early in the morning sometime this week and have it registered in california. i hate that piece of crap.
i have an appointment next week to meet with people at bryman for them to interview me for school.
good today:
barely ate anything
took excellent notes in class
have actual work to do at work
knowing davey has things to do
got to wear new wedges to work

bad today:
waiting 20 for mom to get me from school
being locked out of the house
feeling strangely sick

oh good, there's more good than bad.
p.s. everything is illuminated wasn't as good as i thought. but that's cause i'm just a kid.

on a bicycle built for two

oh, how i loathe crotchedy, hunched over old english women who admit their only reason to sink below their level and teach community college is the lack of income from their job as a professor at the university. and yes, it is a waste of time to take someone's cell phone when it goes off in class as you explain to us once again how you said you would take it from them if it went off, and see, do you see how it disturbs the lecture?
and amazing bearded (female) english teacher has decided that we will watch trading places in my class because we're reading the prince and the pauper (even though it's english 1b) and compare the two. it being rated r gives me a good reason to skip class that day. maybe me and evan, my mormon sidekick, will ditch and talk about our futures (which are very similar) over hot chocolate.
ask me about any asian country, because i can tell you where it is on a map, completely unmarked.
phillippines? check
singapore? check
kyjzrkystan? checkity chiz-eck.

also heading straight from work to davey's at which time we will partake in the lovlieness of elijah wood in "everything is illuminated." very excited.

this is the sound of settling

i have realized that i can talk myself into anything i want, as long as it's the easiest choice of whatever i am deciding. who woulda thought? for example: deiciding whether or not to go to class this morning because of dull ache in lower back and abdomen was easy to do, considering that not going involved staying in bed, not getting dressed and not driving. besides, i had been crying like a three year old the night before and gagging on my way to the toilet so of course i deserved a few (three) extra hours napping on the heat pad.
bad today:
eating nothing but junk
not reading til chapter six in english book
not finishing english paper although is due in three hours
being in a horrible mood that i have no control over
feeling sick and out of it
losing to keith at monopoly

good today:
realizing i didnt need to go to the store
getting a random message from someone with good news
knowing that i wont get my period again for another month

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