oooh, that's right
let's take a breath jump over the side.

all i really really really want is to have this again.
...race to the dock, watch blake's face as he takes the boat out for the first time that year, hold hands with ashley as we jump in the freezing lake, lay out with nathan, snuggle with davey, float with rach. then we go home and have a barbeque, watch movies and enjoy each other's company.

i have struggled in vain, it will not do!

only three weeks of school left. and i'm glad. i missed class last night because i really didn't feel well. my body was all tired and my head was all fuzzy. i went home, but for some reason didn't feel comfortable there. i'm pretty much never there at night because of school or going out. my parents weren't home, and it was loud, so i just left. my house feels like a house and not a home, and i really really hate it. i guess it's my fault.
this weekend was long but still went quickly. we did a lot. went shopping, ate rosies, had thanksgiving, went to farewells, dealt with engagements and bridal showers and deadly cramps. we listened to blake's tape he made, and it was so weird. it was a total trip to listen to his voice and hear him speak portuguese. i'm so proud of him, but i miss him sooo much. last night i had a dream about him. he was home for the holidays! and for some reason it was just me and him hanging out. we went to see coldplay play, and there was barely anyone there. we went to a pet shop and everywhere we went we were holding hands. i think i liked him! ahh. at one point i was putting on chapstick and all in his face, waiting for him to kiss me. sorry david and ashley! i had no control. but he didnt kiss me. luckily.
tonight i see pride and prejudice! i'm reading two sequels to it right now... i love it.

rock n roll fantasy

exactly what i want.

there was heat from the fire, but we still froze

ugh, i think i just posted a blank blog. whatev. so i'm totally not doing as well in school as i thought i was. and i barely even miss class! this is such a joke. i guess i better start studying. i wish i gained knowledge by reading good books instead of listening to a lame instructor and taking tests.

only three days of work and school this week! and thanksgiving, yummmm. it'll be nice to have a long weekend to do fun things. last saturday me and davey went up the mountain and had a pre-thanksgiving with his family. it was delicious and super fun. then we went and visited dresden because she was home for the weekend. brett came over and we watched the skeleton key. it wasnt too scary, but i still got creeped out. it was freeeeezing up there. i love the mountains so much. i could totally live there. p.s. i still miss blake. but i got a letter from him! yay. and ashley got a tape that we still need to listen to.

today i saw a little blond boy coming out of target with his parents and he had on shorts and a t-shirt, and rubber rain boots. he reminded me of my future child.

there was heat from the fire, but we still froze

the aussies

"i came half-way around the world for a bloomin' onion!"

i want to live where soul meets body

pretty good weekend. things are good. spent afternoon playing with lola and eating in n out. now i'm bored at work, as usual. but i am happy.

step into my office, baby.

if there was ever an album that sounded like what i feel like, or what i want my life to feel like, it would be the arcade fire. everytime i listen to it, i feel like i'm transported back to another decade, one where i should be living...with flowery dresses, boots, super long hair, orange-yellow furniture, and babies in cloth diapers.

hiccups

i just randomly got major hiccups right now. i'm so hungry. i'm gonna eat soft tacos and french fries for dinner, then go to school early so i can put in hours in the lab, and then sit for two hours and read from a play. its the misanthrope by moliere. i like it, actually. so today i had to go to the orthodontist to get my retainer fixed so it would keep moving my teeth, and dr. ericson says: "you know, i dont think that this retainer is gonna move them enough. let's put brackets on." so two hours later i left, (i had also visited the dentist office nextdoor, and waited for an hour) with braces! well, kind of. only six brackets on my bottom teeth. and i didnt have cavities either. i thought i had one, thats why i went in the first place. can you get a cavity in a filling? i dont know. i went home, dealt with family drama, and then a bracket popped off my lower 3. so i had to go all the way back and have them put it back on.
i'm back into my reading kicks. i always like to read, but everyone once and a while, i'll go through two months of non-stop reading during all my leisure time. its very wonderful.
charlie and the chocolate factory came out today. and i'm going to bed early because i didnt sleep well and woke up at 6:30. blah.



p.s. i'm still in love.

christmas!

i want it to be christmas so badly. yesterday me and ashmiester listened to christmas music on our drive to and from home. i can't wait to go to the snow, and start shopping for christmas presents. i love christmas and the whole holiday season. its a breath of fresh air and love and happiness.
mom says i better start my list soon.

here's the beginnings:
(real list)

little house on the prarie books
the white album
1928 jewelry from department stores
gift certificates to wherever

the endings:
(unrealistic list)
my bike!

afternoon delight.

i just realized i've been working at my job for over a year and i feel like i've been working here for a month. no one knows me or cares about me here. yesterday i came to work and my desk (which i was informed that i must sit at now, because if i sit at the desk with the computer, it looks like i'm not doing anything...which i'm not because there's nothing to do) was just sitting out in the hallway outside our office. my few things were strewn across another empty desk. no one said a word. the only recognition i get from them is a glance at my left hand once a week only for them to discover that it is ringless. they just discovered a week ago that i'm dating someone, and have been for nearly 8 months.

she just said she's polish

halloween was a total bust. i did nothing. my family hosts a little garage party for our street every year and all the families come with their two or three children and we eat and then the parents take the kids trick or treating. oh, i miss those days. i had to go to class on monday night and analyze a poem. seven kids came to class and i was one of them.
yeseterday my friend priscella asked me if i was in love with david. it felt so good to look up from under my overgrown bangs and say, "yes. yes i am." things aren't perfect, but they will be.

polygamy

we keep saying we're going to rest each weekend, and only please ourselves by lying around and relaxing after a weeklong of work and school. but we never do. davey and i went to the orange circle to check out all the cool old stuff in the shops. we went to my favorite shop, country roads, and walked around for a long time. it's a huge store. i love almost everything in it. i found tons of furniture that i wish i could have, and a jadeite bowl that was beautiful. its crazy how old stuff costs so much...the bowl was $40. oh well. in a shop we found cool jewelry and i found one, very expensive piece that i absolutely loved.
i'm supposed to be in class right now but instead i am alone in the boys' apartment. why? because i can, i guess. i'm going to work on my rough draft for my english class that i'm supposed to have turned in by now. then i'll read as much as i can handle from my anthropology book. i like that class, there's just a lot of boring reading. right now we're learning about sex and marriage and its quite interesting. my professor told us about some guy, i cant remember his name right now, but he grew up in renaissance times i guess and he was a lover of the arts. on his wedding night he was horrified to find that women were not as hairless as portrayed in the paintings that he so adored. therefore, he and his wife never...well, you know. isnt that crazy? i think its so interesting. we also learned about how humans are unique in that it isn't apparent when women are ovulating, compared to animals in heat where you can easily tell. it means we have evolutionary power and more control over procreation and such. and i learned that men's sweat is stimulating to women...and if you are near that man all the time then it can cause more frequent ovulation.

did you know that polygamy is the most universally ideal form of marriage? now you do.

sacuzzi

it's funny that i can't get anything (including homework, housework, work-work) done if david is around. it just seems like such a waste to be doing other things when he's over or i'm over there. yet somehow last night we were able to re-write my philosophy paper. it felt good.
me and davey and keithy and natey went in the sacuzzi at the apartment. it felt nice. i like this life.
kitty was gone for two days. a lot of times she leaves during the day and comes home at night and sleeps with me, but last night she didn't come home and i was sad. but this morning i heard meowing outside my bedroom door and there she was! her little raccooned face looked up at me. that little devil.
i almost died in class today, it is so ridiculously boring. rene descartes is nothing special. then i came home and ate and now i'm at work doing nothing as usual. but i'm leaving soon and going to the store to pick up important things like breadcrumbs and such to make dinner.

rosemary crusted chicken
baked potatoes
french bread
a gorgeous salad.

the end.

iris

the best surprise of my life arrived in a skinny cardboard box yesterday. i got to sign for it and everything. a bunch of iris, and they weren't even all opened yet! nobody's ever given me flowers besides my parents before. it made my day a million times better.
then he came home in his work clothes, and i had dinner ready and we ate. we did some shopping, did some homework, and chilled. but going home doesn't quite fit into our lifestyle...yet it happens every night, regardless of how much i want to slide down his legs and hold his ankle until i'm allowed to leave with him. but i wouldn't allow myself to. not yet.

wouldn't you agree?
baby, you and me
got a groovy kind of love.

and i can do the frug.

what a weekend. it feels like it was everlong... saturday was so busy but super fun. plus it totally started raining! i love rain. yesterday morning i woke up and layed in bed for a half hour staring out the window at the drops hitting the unfinished roof outside my room.
i finally got to disneyland last night- it's been put off a bunch in the past few weeks. only a 10 minute wait for space mountain. plus cordogs and ice cream. delish. then i made david find pig josh on the xbox and we ate a little hamburger helper which was soon followed by a gun fight where keith screamed like a little girl. my ride home was pleasant, the shins came with me.
and today all i have is one class because i dont have to go to english tonight. but i do have to write my philosophy paper tonight. i'm so scared. she said that when we're writing it that we should call her and tell her what we've got. who calls their teacher?? i'm not going to call her, she's so weird. i'll just do my best and have david help me. now i must do an assignment for anthropology that i forgot about. i got to class on monday morning and while we were waiting outside for the teacher to come, i heard everyone talking about it and i realized i didn't do it so i turned around and drove home. it's just what i do.

pretty davey

today is october 13, 2005.

today i didn't go to school.

today, i am in love.

pretty boy

today i went to the orthodontist and he filed my teeth. he actually took strips of sandpaper and shoved them down in between my lower teeth and filed them..."slenderized." the whole time i was staring up, mainly at the bright light shinging in my eyes. i started looking at my orthodontist's face. he has the most perfect teeth i've ever seen and i'm actually jealous of them probably because i could achieve them-my teeth are the same size as his, a grown man's. he has sandy blonde hair and eyelashes that are ridiculously long. then i realized what i was thinking about him. he's pretty! he's the prettiest man i've ever seen. then the pretty man shoved my super tight retainer back into my mouth.

bob loblaw

in philosophy class my teacher is constantly asking questions and not answering them, because they are philosophical questions that are open to eternal interpretation. i, of course, know all of the answers which means i am thinking religiously for three hours...it makes up for not being able to go to institute.
we're reading the phaedo. plato wrote it about socrates, but it didn't really happen and in it, socrates is dead but other characters are telling their friends about what went on while he was chained up in prison before he was poisoned as the punishment for corrupting the youth. the entire dialogue, socrates is explaining to his colleagues why it is noble for a philosopher to die...that death is what they seek ultimately because what they are truly searching for is truth, knowledge, understanding. this can only take place out of the material world and without senses, which means that it can only come after a separation of mind and body which only happens at death. but his friends want to know, will socrates live on once he is dead? well, of course! because knowledge and truth and understanding come from learning, and education. and education does not come from the outside in, but the inside out. this means that it was in us all along, but was promted out by recollection. but recollection only comes by something triggering what we knew before our minds and bodies came together. which means that there was some kind of existence before our physical bodies joined with our minds. this means that if there was a pre-body mind, there must be a post-body mind. hoorah!!

219 days

last week i wasn't hungry at all. this week i've had this dazed, glazy view of life.

good today:
got out of class an hour early again
relaxed with mom and remy

bad today:
loud noises coming from top floor of work
realized how badly i need a hair cut/color